Monday, March 17, 2014
sober sick saint patricks day
Being on my spring break I've been looking foward to getting work done while also being able to get away from my roomates and college life. Now I find out I have a sinus infection. I'm giving being alcohol free another chance and I've been dry 17 days now. But I'm sick and can't concentrate on anything. I just wanna feel better and then maybe I can fonsider overcoming my depression and bigger life problems. Happy St. Patrick's day, I'm sending out my love to everyone trying to be sober today. Its not easy but it will get better. Atleast I keep telling myself this
Friday, November 22, 2013
TV show Louie made me sad today
I watched an episode of Louie today. It was in fact the finale of season 3. This woman he had one date with then cannot get ahold of, (played by Parker Posey), he ends up seeing as he's traveling by bus on a depressing Christmas day. When they see each other I felt that, ok this is such a happy ending to this episode! Then as they see and run to each other her nose starts bleeding and she faints. Rushed to the hospital Louie hears that her cancer is back and she dies on Christmas day in front of him.
I realize that I'm young and am always told I shouldn't be worrying about death at my age, but this so called dark "comedy" really affected me. Why did this have to be written and shown on television? To make cancer more real?
I have fainted seriously twice in my life and was convinced that I had a brain tumor. I had slight seziures during these fainting spells and had to get multiple tests afterward. I had a bump on my head that I still have and was told it's "probably just a cyst" when I was 19. I had EKG's EEG'S cat scans, and MRI testing on my brain, as well as a thyroid test. All were negative. They found nothing.
Why do I continue to worry about this? Because what if something has developed that I don't know about? The problem here I know is not my physical health, its my mental health.
The reason I fainted both times is because I had major panic attacks. Both also included intense flashbacks about something horrible that happened to me months earlier..
It's now almost 6 years later and I'm still learning how to cope with these worries of the past. But anyway Its amazing that this scene from Louie brought up all of these crazy memories and emotions for me. I am a fan of the show but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this episode. Does this make quality television because it made me feel terrible? I get that striking those chords of audience reaction is a key factor but what happened to relaxing when watching late night TV? And this is supposed to be comedic too. I realize that this is categorized as a "dark" comedy but there really hasn't been anything to laugh about lately when watching Louie
I realize that I'm young and am always told I shouldn't be worrying about death at my age, but this so called dark "comedy" really affected me. Why did this have to be written and shown on television? To make cancer more real?
I have fainted seriously twice in my life and was convinced that I had a brain tumor. I had slight seziures during these fainting spells and had to get multiple tests afterward. I had a bump on my head that I still have and was told it's "probably just a cyst" when I was 19. I had EKG's EEG'S cat scans, and MRI testing on my brain, as well as a thyroid test. All were negative. They found nothing.
Why do I continue to worry about this? Because what if something has developed that I don't know about? The problem here I know is not my physical health, its my mental health.
The reason I fainted both times is because I had major panic attacks. Both also included intense flashbacks about something horrible that happened to me months earlier..
It's now almost 6 years later and I'm still learning how to cope with these worries of the past. But anyway Its amazing that this scene from Louie brought up all of these crazy memories and emotions for me. I am a fan of the show but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this episode. Does this make quality television because it made me feel terrible? I get that striking those chords of audience reaction is a key factor but what happened to relaxing when watching late night TV? And this is supposed to be comedic too. I realize that this is categorized as a "dark" comedy but there really hasn't been anything to laugh about lately when watching Louie
Monday, November 18, 2013
calm control
So today some of my anxiousness and depression has simmered and my mind was able to have a clear view of thinking. This hasn't happened in a while for me. At least I haven't been able to feel like this without the help of Xanax in a while. I think maybe I'm beginning to see some perspective on my life. I am capable of success, I am capable of being happy. We all are. We need to make the proper choices of doing so.
My roommate loves to tell me what I need to be doing in my life in order to be sane and happy. She also loves to praise herself and talk about how great she is. This gets old quick. She also has a blatant alcohol problem. But I will never say anything to her because I know that I have to be the bigger person. Today in group therapy we talked about control and how we can feel out of control when we are overwhelmed and have others giving us commands and putting us down. The current theme I found was that each person in the group spoke about how others are bullying them and causing conflict in their lives. Each one of us in the group (including myself) are used to having to be the bigger person. And sometimes being this person that takes all of the hits others throw at them can become unbearable. How do we confront these people?
I'm not sure how to answer this question myself. We are so used to taking shit from others that when we are at our breaking point its due to a huge buildup of anger and resentment that others have given to us. Still don't know the answer. I guess its about believing in ourselves and being assertive and speaking out politely and effectively when the time is right. Together we can be the people we want to be and not let others put us down. I don't have all of the answers but I know that this can be accomplished. The first steps are to stay calm and BELIEVE IN OURSELVES!
My roommate loves to tell me what I need to be doing in my life in order to be sane and happy. She also loves to praise herself and talk about how great she is. This gets old quick. She also has a blatant alcohol problem. But I will never say anything to her because I know that I have to be the bigger person. Today in group therapy we talked about control and how we can feel out of control when we are overwhelmed and have others giving us commands and putting us down. The current theme I found was that each person in the group spoke about how others are bullying them and causing conflict in their lives. Each one of us in the group (including myself) are used to having to be the bigger person. And sometimes being this person that takes all of the hits others throw at them can become unbearable. How do we confront these people?
I'm not sure how to answer this question myself. We are so used to taking shit from others that when we are at our breaking point its due to a huge buildup of anger and resentment that others have given to us. Still don't know the answer. I guess its about believing in ourselves and being assertive and speaking out politely and effectively when the time is right. Together we can be the people we want to be and not let others put us down. I don't have all of the answers but I know that this can be accomplished. The first steps are to stay calm and BELIEVE IN OURSELVES!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Molly
My friend and her coworkers are doing Molly (MDNA) at our house right now. Its only the four of them but they've got the fun neon lights on and the music bumping. Out of all of the pills/drugs I've tried in my life this is one that I've never thought of even trying. It always seems like fun when my friends do it at concerts and clubs. Apparently the euphoric state can even make the music sound better too. Its weird that I've never done this drug to me because it has been offered to me and has been around me so many times. Its just never appealed to me. But I really want to try it right now..
Of course I won't. The last thing anyone trying to quit drinking and battling depression should be doing is to pop a molly. Being sober makes me feel really old and lame. But its kind of nice at the same time. It will take some getting used to.
Of course I won't. The last thing anyone trying to quit drinking and battling depression should be doing is to pop a molly. Being sober makes me feel really old and lame. But its kind of nice at the same time. It will take some getting used to.
Friday, November 15, 2013
sober life
In my journey I'm going to take the first step and stop drinking alcohol for good. This is going to be a struggle because of my family's history with alcohol addiction, and the fact that I live in a party house in a college town. Luckily I have some of the best friends & roommates in the world. Last night and today were not great. But I know for a fact that tomorrow will be better
My first post
11/15/2013
Today was not the best day. It was a day of sadness that accompanied a bad hangover. This is the story: I went out to a bar with my good friend after a long week of working hard on school work. We go to the bar in an attempt to just have a chill night of darts and drinking. But I wasn't going to have a happy ending to my night. After becoming intoxicated I could not find my bag after we were trying to head home. I was able to find it but it was too late. In my drunken state I called 911. I have a long history with anxiety and depression and after having a good time out at the bar, my mood swiftly changed and I instantly felt not only depressed but extremely suicidal. I went to the hospital, slept there and came back to my town having missed both of my classes today.
The worst part of this story is that I was actually starting to feel less depressed and anxious this week, and this event makes me feel that I've regressed in my mental progress about 500 steps back.
The best part of this story is that I chose to seek help instead of acting on my scary emotions. This blog is about personal emotional struggles, addiction and alcoholism, and the journey of enjoying life and making positive choices to do so. I want to live and be happy! Don't we all? Please share your thoughts with me also. Mutual support and understanding is one of the great aspects of human connection, and Its time to connect. Thank you
Today was not the best day. It was a day of sadness that accompanied a bad hangover. This is the story: I went out to a bar with my good friend after a long week of working hard on school work. We go to the bar in an attempt to just have a chill night of darts and drinking. But I wasn't going to have a happy ending to my night. After becoming intoxicated I could not find my bag after we were trying to head home. I was able to find it but it was too late. In my drunken state I called 911. I have a long history with anxiety and depression and after having a good time out at the bar, my mood swiftly changed and I instantly felt not only depressed but extremely suicidal. I went to the hospital, slept there and came back to my town having missed both of my classes today.
The worst part of this story is that I was actually starting to feel less depressed and anxious this week, and this event makes me feel that I've regressed in my mental progress about 500 steps back.
The best part of this story is that I chose to seek help instead of acting on my scary emotions. This blog is about personal emotional struggles, addiction and alcoholism, and the journey of enjoying life and making positive choices to do so. I want to live and be happy! Don't we all? Please share your thoughts with me also. Mutual support and understanding is one of the great aspects of human connection, and Its time to connect. Thank you
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